The home, sick, blues

I am home sick today. The house is strangely quiet, and I feel like a little mouse, so small in this space.

No matter how old I will get, I will always want my mom nearby when I’m sick.

Last week, before I got sick and when my daughter was sluggish with a fever (ahem, yes, she passed it on, so generous!), I cuddled with her while we watched mindless tv for a bit. She was so exhausted, sick of being sick, going on day three (four?) of a fever. She put her wee head on my shoulder, curled into my arms like the newborn she once was, and just cuddled.

It’s strange, still, to now be the mother. To think that when my daughter is 28, perhaps with her own family (!!) that she may be sick one day and think of me.

And it’s thoughts like that which make me strive to be a better mother. To provide comfort and nurture in our home.

But for today? Today, in order to be a good mommy & wife, I’m being good to myself. So I’m shutting the laptop and crawling back into bed for a couple of hours. But secretly, I’m wishing my mom was downstairs warming up a mug of lemon juice with honey.

On finding time (don’t laugh)

I’ve been thinking a lot about finding time in the day….time to read a book when it’s not twenty minutes past when I should have gone to sleep, time to finally dust the mantle or arrange the knick knacks that were thrown out of a box when we moved in a year ago. Time to write, time to paint. Time to fix breakfast in the morning. Time to take a bath (I don’t remember when the last time this was, and I have a perfect-for-bubble-baths clawfoot tub. And yes, I’ve showered, thank you).

I know everything above is a luxury, except breakfast. But I don’t know how I could squeeze in another second to do just about any of these things. I never thought I’d be a working mom (not that you SAHMs have luxurious afternoons or anything–I realize you work longer hours than I do most of the time!). But it seems like between the morning hustle, the brief daycare-then-work routine, then whatever I can muster at the end of the day…it just is a relentless hamster wheel.

And sometimes, I just want off the hamster wheel, just for a little while. Not an escape from motherhood or marriage, but just a way to hit pause without somehow leaving anyone hanging.

I’m beginning to see the wisdom in asking for a day to myself for my birthday and might just make a habit of it. In the meantime, for the next 353 days, I want to learn how to be more efficient. How to not waste energy or duplicate efforts, with the goal of breathing a little more, of maybe, someday having a few minutes to soak in the tub with a book of poetry and actually pay attention to the words on the page.

Thanks for letting me rant. I think I just needed to get that off my chest!

New/old work…

Speaking of being creative, there were a few cobwebs on the exhibits page. If anyone would like a postcard from the upcoming exhibit of dance photography, let me know!

Also: Studio blog/website have been up & running for a bit. Dancer photos should be up this weekend!

Being a mother & being creative

I’ve posted about this before: the only way to be creative (paint, draw, write) is to wake up before the rest of the house stirs, climb the stairs into my attic studio, and lose myself for a few minutes. But I can still count the number of times I’ve done this on one hand, because sleep is precious, too, and I’m running on all cylinders most days.

This morning, though, I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep. So I did it: I climbed the stairs, I dipped the brushes, I worked on a painting that’s been sitting dormant too long. I played a cassette tape (remember those?) of a radio show I did once, and the songs were as true now as they were then. Meaning, I’m still the same girl inside, just : now wife, now mother, now “grown up.” Some of the old struggles are mercifully gone. New ones have risen to take their place. Yet the songs resonate still:

this is what it’s like
finding your feet again
the part of you that couldn’t
finally thinks you can

-Denison Witmer, “Finding Your Feet Again”

Well, if I could tame all of my desires
Wait out the weather that howls in my brain
Because it seems that it’s always changing
The wind’s indecision, the sorrowful rain
I was a postcard, I was a record
I was a camera until I went blind
Now I’m riding all over this island
Looking for something to open my eyes
-Bright Eyes, “Train Underwater”

Giveaways!

I’ve been entering giveaways in hopes of winning some last minute Christmas presents. It’s always worth a try, right?

1) Love this: An Island Life is giving away a Posh Party Box. My favorite is the Sugar & Spice baking party, since it comes with cute chef’s hats. I’m tucking this idea away for a future birthday party (if Sofia likes to bake, that is!). Ended!

2) The cute, customized Name Your Tune cd, a giveaway from Centsible Mommy. Ended!

3) A $250 Visa Giftcard from An Island Life. Um, yes, please!?
Ended!

4) Holy Love! Check out this Holiday giveaway from Fantabulously Frugal.

5) Found out about the last one from the Give-Away Diva, who is giving away a GORGEOUS ring from Guy & Eva. Love it! I know exactly whose stocking it would slip into, too!

6) Another gift idea for my little peanut: a Playmobile set, thanks to A Little Outnumbered.
Ended!

7) There are awesome giveaways all month at the Apartment Therapy websites (I’m loving the items on the Kitchn and Oh Dee Doh sites, myself!).

Melinda Joy is giving away a baking mix from Vintage Bakeshop. This would make a great addition to a gift basket. I want to try the Champagne cupcakes myself!
Ended!

9) I enjoyed Julie & Julia quite a bit. Erin Cooks is giving away the DVD!
Ended!

10) Definitely would love to win some cute Flint Light Pink shoes for Sofia, thanks to A Mom’s Impression! Awesome!
Ended!
11) Suburban Jungle is giving away a $25 American Express gift card.

12) OnSugar is giving away $1000 worth of fashion items. Sign me up, please!

It’s been awhile, I know.

Peanut has a little tooth making its debut. She’s 10.5 months old already and it’s hard to believe! Spent some time today roasting butternut squash & sweet potatoes to smush into baby food. Easy, doesn’t take too much time & the princess loves it.

And me? Work is consuming my life, both my day job & my side job. My sewing machine is gathering dust, my paintbrushes don’t remember me. I’ve been shooting photos but only commercially and nothing fine art for months. Feeling a little busy and not sure there’s much I can do about it.

Have my eye on a few of these sweet giveaways from Grosgrain Fabulous:

A pretty necklace.

Darling trench coats for my little girl.

There are spiderwebs in the corners of my blog. But in real life, I’ve shot a few engagement & senior photo shoots, painted the dining room, wrapped up the season at work and began work on next year’s marketing materials, and a slew of other life happenings in between.

The dining room is now “confidence” or “blue sage,” depending on which color chip you believe, though looking at it now it’s really not-so-muted aqua. It’s bright, and pretty. The new color plus a rambling, sunny bouquet from the farmer’s market and a poster size print of an old Martini & Rossi poster against the (decorative) fireplace made the room seem so different and cheerful! I can’t believe I didn’t do this before (though, working full time, a wee darling baby girl, etc., etc., certainly kept me busy!).

We signed a lease on a photography studio, and having a physical.space.for.it has already done so much. Sent off some entries to juried photo shows, and waiting to hear back.

And my dear sweet family? Sofia is now six months, which is hard to believe, and into nearly everything! Doing the “army crawl” and closer to a full crawl every day. Hubby is sleeping on the couch as the credits roll; painting took a lot out of us!

The tiny little garden is still in bloom, which is pretty amazing for my brown thumb. A few of the annuals need replacing, but I still get a little dash of bright purples & pinks on my way out the door.

Life is full of color these days. Considering the greys that clouded both my landscape and my moods, this feels nice.

I wanted to write somethingtoday, but it’s nearly time to wrap up the day and get some sleep for The Start of the Week.

In closing, this made me smile. It’s the first time I’ve seen this column, but I’ll subscribe from now on:

Just Drawn That Way, by Michael Arthur.

Salsa!

I am about to slip into my pretty turquoise dress and put a flower pin in my hair (or, not, we’ll see how I feel) and get to the theatre early to train some volunteers before we salsa the night away!!! It’s a fundraiser we’re doing at work, and I think it’s going to be a smash hit.

“The Bachelorette” is on while I’m getting ready, and it. is. making. me. MAD. Things like, letting a guy go because he’s never been in love? and kissing most of the guys in front of the other guys. Gross. And yet, it’s easy background watching.

We had to write our first babysitter instructions for tonight, which felt weird and I’m going to put the paper in our wee one’s baby book. It’s amazing how big she’s getting!!!

Last weekend I spent most of Saturday setting up my attic studio, and have only made it in there twice this week. But twice! Two different days! That’s a start. I probably won’t get any other time this weekend, but that’s ok.

Tomorrow Adeel’s friends are coming up from Charlotte, and the girlfriend owns a sweet cafe down there. So I figured a trip to the farmer’s market was appropriate today (it’s not open on Sundays). Fresh beets, sweet peaches, a pot of mint, fresh homemade goat cheese. Oh, and new potatoes! The supermarket had a special on ribeye, so there you have it: our menu will involve some or all of the above. I’m thinking beet & goat cheese ravioli with roasted garlic (if I get ambitious and have time tomorrow!) and perhaps Korean-marinated beef? Hm. That doesn’t sound like it will go together, so I may have to think about it a bit more. But I want to grill peach halves if nothing else – have you ever grilled peaches? Yum! There’s a fabulous deepening of the flavors and I just love it.

Speaking of beets; I always liked them growing up, but had only had canned, pickled beets. Last year, while I was pregnant, we would get bundles of beets in our co-op. Roasted beets are delicious!! Who knew? A simple slice, toss with olive oil & salt, then roast at 350ish for 20 minutesish. Mmm. Toss the roasted beets with goat cheese or put them over a bed of spring greens.

Alright. It’s time to finish getting ready! I can’t wait to dance!

Nostalgia, or, When Blogging at Midnight…

I just stumbled on this video (produced by a Lynchburg photographer) and it made me so nostalgic & homesick for Holland, Michigan, and Hope College — not for the place so much as the memories. The dreamy fireworks sequence, and that song and so much keeps flooding back. 

While cleaning up my attic studio today, I came across two cassette tapes (remember those?) with individual broadcasts I did on 89.9 WTHS. I listened for awhile, since they contained many favorite songs. It was a little strange to hear my voice, now five years younger. That girl sounds so happy and content on air, but there were so many hidden insecurities, sort of these figurative monsters under the bed. Thankfully, I think I knew even then that the growing pains would someday subside. 

It’s hard to believe how out of touch I feel with college friends, or how much my life has changed since then. Listening to Sufjan Stevens or Rosie Thomas brings it all flooding back. Today the cassette tapes were warbling in the background while I lost myself in a painting and for a moment, I nearly forgot I had a daughter and husband downstairs. That I was painting in the attic of our house. That I was 27. In that moment, I could almost be 20 again (21? don’t know which years I taped the shows), talking into the microphone of the tiny studio in DeWitt, watching the students pause at the ATM. That radio studio doesn’t even exist anymore; the station moved after I graduated to the new digs in the Martha Miller Center. 

I played Sufjan’s student EP. He went to our college, we had his stuff in our music library even before he stormed onto the indie scene. Ever since, his songs have become intwined with my personal history. My roadtrip cds included “Chicago” even before it appeared as the soundtrack to the opening roadtrip sequence of Little Miss Sunshine. 

This post wasn’t meant to be a tribute to Sufjan, or a lame attempt at indie posturing. But it’s nearly 1 a.m. and everyone’s asleep except me – and just before I logged off for the night, I found this video and suddenly remembered flat tires in Ohio, a golden harvest moon rising above Grand Rapids, the Pine Grove, singing with Mary while she played her guitar, and so much more…

I was in love with the place

In my mind, in my mind

I made a lot of mistakes, 

In my mind, in my mind…

 

You can see John Carl’s video below:

we were in love from John Carl on Vimeo.

The creativity is flowing…

This morning, we went for breakfast at Starlight: sweet crepes with strawberries, bananas and Nutella (yum!) and then took a walk through the historic district end of our street and dropped jaws at the ornate stone scrollwork and the iron fenced backyards with rose trellises in full bloom.It was perfect, and hopefully the first of many such Saturday mornings. 

I spent the rest of the day setting up my attic studio. Found some hilarious childhood photos, a doll’s quilt I made as a child, a list of books I read each summer for a couple of years as a kid, etc. Rocked out to Cat Power, Mates of State, Rosie Thomas. Put a few coats of pale aqua paint on a few picture frames and restyled a clock to match. Took breaks to play with my darling little girl (and amazing hubby who is making this studio time possible). Took another break to run over and help Jill load up two chairs she bought at auction into our truck and back to her house. Took another break to make some Cuban style steaks. Mmm. 

And now? It’s that point in the night when the final montage begins to play and everyone gets the girl. I’m barely even watching the movie; Sofia is teething and took forever to get to sleep. So today is drawing to a close, and if tomorrow is only half as good as today, it will still be fairly swell. 

(among the many ideas swirling: finally creating a curtain for our front door, refashioning a couple of dresses, finishing the painting I worked on today, editing photos, gardening…we’ll see what happens…)

Inspired by these (and hoping to win!):

 

Vintage Wedding Frock (refashioned)

Sheer skirt